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Caringbridge entry from June 14, 2007 Dear Sweet Erika Kate, Wow! There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind these days; I can’t begin to capture them all. Living this past year without you running around our home has been a huge challenge, and often too overwhelming to embrace; but I am often reminded how you couldn’t really run around without some kind of a negative consequence overcoming your little body. But I thought you should know that your little brother seems to be running all over for you. He seems to have inherited many of your qualities, like your determined expression seen in the way you hold your mouth, your interest in playing with keys and doors, your interest in listening to music loudly, your creative ways of getting into trouble, your laugh with a wrinkled up nose, your love of babies and beads, your love of swinging and driving the princess jeep around in circles. Your sister and brother speak of you daily. We finish every time of prayer with a greeting to you, “We love you and miss you, Erika, and we’ll see you soon.” Emma had her first dream of you. You were wearing your blue jeans and your purple Zoe sweatshirt. The dream gave her a happy feeling inside. When we went to the cemetery last week, Emma wanted to bring you flowers and balloons. She eagerly trimmed around and cleaned your stone, as we watered the flowers and shared with each other what was on our hearts. Emma told me she missed you, her playmate, and that she couldn’t believe you were gone. It brought tears to my eyes to hear her innocence in talking about how your absence has affected her. But she knows you two will be playing together again someday in our new home, heaven. We know you are in the best of care as we get reminders from you that God has everything under control. Daddy and I talk about you often, how we miss you and how difficult it was to see you struggle in this life, especially the twelve days after your transplant. We agreed that June 2, the day of your transplant, was even more difficult than this day. We watched you with much anxiety and agony as your condition was so unstable day after day. It was absolute hell to watch doctors and nurses trying one thing after another to rectify the situation to no avail. We feel that the aggressive nature of your heart disease caused us to be put in a position in which we needed to act as we did in order to give you the best chance at life. We didn’t consider a heart and lung transplant for you, and to do nothing was not acceptable in our eyes. We felt God was opening all the right doors for your life to be made better by having a heart transplant. We know that when we see you in heaven, we will not have to explain why we decided to do what we did. We will all look at each other, thrilled to be reunited, and our love for one another will overshadow any explanations and bring forth understanding. Your passing into the presence of God was painful, yet somewhat peaceful to watch.You deserved a better life, and we thank God for rescuing you as gently and lovingly as He did. I must tell you, we went to the St. Louis Zoo yesterday. It was one of the best days since your homegoing. When we first arrived at the zoo, we purchased some tickets for the Sea Lion Show. It brought tears to my eyes when I saw the name of the attendant selling us the tickets was Erika. I don’t believe it was a coincidence that the first person we met there had the same name as you. With a few tears, I realized that this was my reminder that you were with us at the zoo, and we should have a great time being together as a family. Thank you for always finding a creative way to make a connection with us. We treasure each effort God makes to reassure us that He is with us and wants to help us hold you closely. It is our desire to continue to pursue a more intimate relationship with Him because we know that as we draw closer to Him, we will be drawn closer to you; as we recognize how our spirits are soothed by deep meaningful connections with those in this life and in the life to come.
By the way, we are thrilled with the report from the doctor at the U of I who told us we have a beautiful baby girl growing and developing well thus far. Daddy and I became very emotional with the news and instantly thought how amazing it is that God knew exactly what our family needed, another little girl. We could just see the exchange as God asked you what you thought our family needed, and you told Him, “a girl”. We thank God for being so close to us and knowing exactly what we need to continue our journey of healing.
As we spend this day remembering our precious time with you, please know that our grief isn’t getting easier; it’s just getting different. We feel the permanence of your physical absence settling in a bit deeper. We continue to look for new ways to keep your spirit alive in us. You will always be a part of our family, and I will always be willing to talk to others about your little life. Like Emma, Evan and Baby Ella Kate, you are a gift from God to daddy and me, and we plan to continue to enjoy our gifts and share you with others.
My goal for this second year of grief is continuing to give my life over to God each day, asking Him to direct my path in gaining faith, love and knowledge, and to use our brokenness for His gain and glory. I want to rejoice in your victory over your illness and celebrate your joy in heaven. And in doing this, I know I will receive the peace I need to carry on in this life.
The more we dwell on the happy state of our departed, the closer we shall be to them. - Helen Keller
Love you and miss you with all our hearts, Daddy, Mommy, Emma, Evan & Baby Ella Kate
P.S. Hope you enjoy the balloons we are sending up today.They come with lots of love and thoughts of you this day. | | | | |
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