Logan's Story
written by Logan's mom, Heather
I got my first taste of mother’s intuition on November 25, 2009; it was the day of my 20 week ultrasound. The ultrasound is one of those exciting milestones of pregnancy along with hearing your child’s heart beat for the first time and feeling your baby move. However for me, I woke up that morning not wanting to go to the hospital to get the ultrasound. I was feeling scared and nervous because something wasn’t right.
At the ultrasound the Sonographer informed Tony and I we were having a baby boy; whose name we already had, Logan Stephen Johnson. We were so happy! Then the Sonographer went quiet for a while concentrating on his heart, she told us she would return with the doctor. The Doctor told us the heart didn’t look right to him and he was sending us to Pediatric Cardiology to get an Echo on Logan’s heart. It was there that the Cardiologist informed us of Logan’s heart defect. They didn’t have a specific name for this condition because it was rare, but it was a “Double outlet right ventricle, double inlet left ventricle, hypoplastic aorta.” In plain English, Logan’s heart had two outlet valves on the right side of his heart instead of one, and two inlet valves on the left side instead of one, as well as his aorta that took blood to the body was too small. The doctor told us he would need a series of three surgeries, one within the first week of life, the second at around three months, and the final at two years. They told us he wouldn’t be able to be very active and may get tired very easily. My heart sank and the world around me went black, I needed to get out of that room and get air. Tony asked a few questions but decided it would be best to come back in a week, give us time to gather ourselves and think of questions to ask them. We were asked about abortion but to me that was not an option, I had to give Logan a chance. What if it wasn’t as serious as they originally thought? We couldn’t give up on our son.
Check ups after that were more in depth than usual, I had two Non-Stress Tests a week as well as one ultrasound a month to monitor Logan’s progress and growth. On March 25, 2010 I had a scheduled ultrasound where they found some fluid around Logan’s heart. My high risk doctor wanted me to go home and pack to come back to the hospital, she was going to induce me that night. She told me she would rather have Logan out and in the PICU than to wait until 40 weeks and take a chance of the fluid getting worse. After more than 24 hours of labor Logan’s heart rate began to drop, so they took him by Emergency C-Section. Logan was born March 27, 2010 at 9:43 am, he was 7lbs 10 oz and 19½ inches long. After my c-section he went up to the NICU and then transferred to the PICU and I was in recovery. I didn’t get to see my little guy until the next morning due to dizziness and nausea every time I tried to move. When I finally got to go see him he had already been sedated. Logan had numerous wires on him for monitoring, as well as a breathing tube, an NG tube, and an IV. It was so hard to see him hooked up to so many things but I knew we were in the best place and he was being taken care of, plus we had amazing nurses taking care of him. Logan had his first surgery April 2, 2010 he was six days old. He was so strong and made it through the surgery with flying colors. He was still under when he came back up to his room and they had left his chest open in case they would have to go back in within the next couple days. Logan was recovering so well all the nurses said he was a rock star and doing everything faster than expected. Logan got his chest closed on April 5th and came down to the 2JCP inpatient on April 8th. After leaving the PICU Logan was breathing on his own and only had an IV that wasn’t used but it was there in case they needed it, his NG tube and he was down to the three main wires that monitored his heart rate and such. He was doing so well and I got to change diapers, give him a bath, and I got to pick him up and hold him as much as I wanted instead of having to wait for permission and to have people transfer him to me. Logan and I sat in the rocker/recliner in his room and I read to him a lot or would just talk to him. I loved holding my son his personality was amazing and they way he looked at Tony and I made our hearts melt, we were wrapped tight around those little fingers.
Logan’s recovery was going so well, he had a few issues with his heart rate but the doctors weren’t concerned. He had numerous EKG’s, echo’s, and other tests that all came back looking good. On April 16th I asked our doctor about his discharge, they told me he would just need to get his feedings on a regular schedule and he should be able to come home in just a few days. That was great news I was so excited to show him the life outside of the hospital. On April 17th Tony and I were woke up to a phone call from the hospital saying Logan was having trouble breathing and we should come in. On our way to the hospital we got another call asking how far from the hospital we were. Then while we were pulling into the parking ramp we got another call saying we needed to hurry. I pulled into a handicapped spot close to the door and we ran to his room. When we turned down the hall to his room the doctors were walking to meet us. Our doctor told us Logan had trouble breathing this morning and they did CPR for about 45 minutes, but Logan didn’t make it. I felt my knees give out and I almost collapsed, they took us to a meeting room to talk to us about what had happened that morning. I held and kissed my son good-bye on that horrible morning, it was by far the worst day of our lives.
I didn’t know how this could be possible because he was doing so well. Life isn’t always fair by any means but I am so thankful that I got to know that wonderful baby boy if only for three weeks. I miss him so much, he has made me such a strong person. I have put my energy into my work outs and getting ready for the Quad Cities Marathon I plan to participate in with the EKF. I find working out is a helpful tool when I want to rid my body of the anger I hold. Logan was the strongest person I knew and is my hero. I feel that if he could go through what he did, I shouldn’t and can’t complain about anything.
This was by far the hardest thing that Tony and I have had to deal with. I definitely recommend talking to family and friends you can trust your feelings with or finding someone that has went through a similar situation. I am so grateful for every minute I had with my little guy and being able to know him; however it is still extremely difficult to deal with and understand why. I never want to forget but I’m waiting for the pain to ease a little.
“I have seen death, I have held it gently in my arms and I have kissed it good-bye with tear stained cheeks.”
Mommy and Daddy love you Lo!